when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
