I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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