It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
