If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
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