Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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