i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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