He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
