Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
