I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
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