just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
