Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
