how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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