I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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