i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize