Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
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