haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
