My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I will pee on everything he values.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
