I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
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