if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
