watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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