Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
