I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
