In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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