quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
