I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
