Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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