he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
