Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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