I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
