Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Say something about gay babies.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Randomize
