OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
