I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
