I only kidnapped one of them. chill
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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