is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
