Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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