I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Randomize
