We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
