I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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