I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
