paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize