On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I wear drunk well.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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