Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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