I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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