I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
