My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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