I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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