we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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