I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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