so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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