so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
