i need an iv and a liver transplant
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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