You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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