More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
