I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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