Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
