Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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