Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Come share oat with me in your robe
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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