ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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