i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
