I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
