how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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