Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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