You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
